Is Your Irritability, Anger or Rage Hurting You and Your Loved Ones?

image: man holding a young girl against his chest outside, both are smiling

Anger Management Therapy

Are you quick to anger, or have a short fuse?

Does it feel like people around you are worried or scared of your reactions?

You can see their discomfort or fear but feel powerless against your anger.

Anger and feelings of hostility, annoyance or displeasure are part of a normal human experience. They arise in response to a trigger and typically subside when you can resolve that issue for yourself. It’s when anger becomes frequent, unpredictable, lasts longer than you’d like and affects your relationships that it starts to feel problematic. It’s unpleasant for everyone involved, including you. Maybe you’re at the point where you feel like the anger is controlling you rather than you controlling your anger.

Around 11.5% of men report difficulty controlling their anger, and 6.8% of women report the same issue.

Untreated anger issues can have serious consequences as they often lead to strained relationships, marriage problems, difficulty at work, and even physical health problems.

Do you want to live with more peace and stability in your life? It is possible, but it first means understanding the anger. That might seem counterintuitive, you probably want to distance yourself from those triggers and the awful consequences of your anger. But, you can only truly do that once you’ve resolved what the anger is trying to tell you.

Like any emotion, it carries a message that’s begging for your attention. So while it’s typically called ‘anger management’ we’re actually talking more about ‘anger resolution’. Doesn’t that sound great?

graphic: anger iceberg - anger is drawn on the visible part of the iceberg while guilt, annoyance, overwhelm etc, lie beneath.

Causes of Anger

Your Anger is Trying to Tell you Something

In our society, anger is often viewed as a negative emotion that should be avoided. However, anger is a normal human emotion that doesn’t respond well to being ignored, suppressed or shamed.

When you feel angry, it is often an indication that you have a need that is not being fulfilled. Anger isn’t necessarily the problem, it’s a messenger of something bigger. It takes some compassion, curiosity and a commitment to yourself to get to the root of that anger so that you can regain that feeling of control and peace.

The unmet needs of anger can vary from person to person, and yours will be unique, but some common needs that can trigger anger include:

You want to feel respected and recognized for your contributions, opinions, and qualities. When this need is not fulfilled, you might feel angry and frustrated. It can be especially challenging when you feel like you are not being valued by people you care about or who you believe should respect you, like your partner(s) and your kids.
Feeling like you lack control over your life can be a significant source of anger. You likely have a strong need to feel like you are making choices and decisions that align with your values and preferences. When you feel like others are making decisions for you or that your autonomy is being challenged that can trigger anger.
Humans have a fundamental need for social connection and a sense of belonging. Maybe when you feel disconnected or excluded from others you become angry and resentful. These feelings can be especially strong when you feel like you are being rejected or misunderstood by people you care most about.
Feeling unsafe or insecure in your environment can also trigger anger. We all have a need to feel safe and secure in our homes, workplaces, and communities. When you feel like your safety is being threatened, your sense of anger can help you take action to protect yourself or those you care about. This is anger with a motivating purpose and often starts as an assertive and adaptive response to some threat. But, it can get mingled with maladaptive expressions of anger which can be harmful to you and others around you, and this is where the work of therapy happens.
When you perceive something as unfair or unjust, it might make you feel angry because we all have an internal sense of what is right and wrong. Whether it's experiencing discrimination, being treated unfairly at work, or witnessing injustice in our society, your need for fairness and justice can trigger anger and motivate you to take action. Societal change and growth is often fueled by this fire and is another example of adaptive anger.

Your experience of anger will have its own special recipe that makes it unique to you. Each layer of your frustration, irritability, annoyance, criticism, hostility, rage, and outrage comes from some deeper need and with a deeper message about your pain, hurt and fear. Your anger management therapist will tease out the ways that your anger is adaptive, or helpful to you, and the ways in which its causing more pain, confusion or disconnection.

When you look at it in this light, it can feel less shameful and problematic and we can begin to approach it as something that needs attention as opposed to total elimination.

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Coping with Anger

If you look at anger as a signal of some unmet need, then the way to cope or reduce your anger is by learning to attune to that need. Now, that can sound like an obvious and simple solution but if you’ve lived your entire life learning to suppress your needs, put others first, put on a brave or strong face, then this takes effort, time and patience. Your needs might also change over time as your life phase changes, so this is likely going to be an ongoing process of self-discovery.

Anger in Postpartum or Parenting Rage

Talk about unmet needs! There are few times in a human’s life where their needs become as secondary to someone else’s as when they have just had a baby. This goes for both (or all) partners though often the primary caregiver does shoulder much more of the parenting and household duties. That shift from being fairly self-interested and self-serving to now caring for a fragile infant means that meeting your own needs can feel less important which can set you up for overwhelming bouts of anger.

This anger is often expressed in the relationships around you, especially towards the other parent or caregiver in the situation. Many folks struggle with the transition into parenthood and most couples state that the first 3 years of a child’s life are the hardest on a marriage/relationship. It makes sense in a society that values independence and Instagram-worthy lives that are impossible to maintain 24/7.

It’s a lot of pressure and if you are feeling lost in the transition, and you’re feeling your resentment, frustration and anger flare up, that does not make you a bad parent! That makes you a human who’s needs are not being valued or met, and that anger is hoping you’ll heed it’s message and start filling your own cup sometimes too.

Anger Therapy for Men

Anger, though often stigmatized, is one of the emotions that men are ‘allowed’ to feel and express in our society. You’ve likely heard statements like ‘toughen up’, ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘be a man’ when a man is (or you are) expressing some emotion that isn’t anger. It’s no wonder that we have created a society where you are forced to turn to anger when you struggle to get yourself heard, understood or valued. Anger has inevitably become your safest choice in these scenarios, and it makes sense.

AND even though it make sense, we also know that you don’t want to be controlled by it any longer. You deserve to get those needs met before they trigger such strong and uncomfortable emotions. You deserve peace and stability in your life.

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What to Expect in Anger Counselling

Your anger therapist will have a unique way of approaching your anger based on what you need and what you identify as important.

Likely, you will work on first identifying the sensations of anger in your body through some form of mindfulness and internal awareness. Often there are signs that anger is building, and you will focus on building your awareness so that you can identify it earlier and earlier in the process.

You’ll gain control of your anger only when you can identify it early.

You will also practice self-compassion in these sessions. No more shaming yourself for your anger (or any emotions frankly). Feeling compassion towards yourself and understanding why you might feel angry isn’t the same as excusing the anger or justifying it’s consequences. The goal is to attune to the message behind the anger before it leads to outbursts, holes in walls, disconnection from your loved ones, or work issues.

Part of this process often involves looking at your thoughts, beliefs and values and how that unique recipe informs your experience of anger. Are there beliefs you have that are fueling the anger? Do your thoughts feel like ‘facts’ when anger is triggered? What values do you possess that feel at odds with the anger?

Learning new ways of communicating about your needs will also be a part of this process. This will change your level of satisfaction with all of your relationships because you’ll be able to express a genuine need and not just mask your authentic self.

It can feel impossible right now, but we know in anger management therapy you can commit to figuring out a new way of relating to yourself and to understanding your anger compassionately.

Ok, but you still have some questions.

Anger is highly misunderstood in our society. Lots of people believe that it’s a negative emotion that everyone should be able to be rid of it. But, that’s impossible.
Anger is an emotion with a message. There is nothing wrong with you and your therapist will never make you feel like there is. Your anger can only be reduced by actually tuning into it and listening to its message and that can only be done in a non-judgmental and empathetic environment which we always strive to provide.
The first step is building trust with your therapist. That anger can trigger deep guilt or shame and many people try to manage on their own. It’s fair to be apprehensive or worried about sharing these parts of yourself with a stranger so we’ll first make sure to build safety and a caring environment.
Once that foundation is ready, then we will dig into the WHYs of your anger; HOW it comes up for you, WHEN it’s triggered, and WHAT it is telling you. Through this information we will find ways for expressing yourself in calmer but assertive ways and getting your needs met before you spiral into angry episodes.
Angry relationship dynamics can definitely be addressed in couples counselling. Shifting patterns of hostility, criticism and contempt are central to the work done in couples therapy but sometimes the need for individual therapy remains.
Often, if you start couples counselling and the therapist identifies individual challenges that need addressing they will recommend doing just that, and vice versa.